You can’t be better now if you were never flawed to begin with.

People, in general, don’t like to hear that they’ve made mistakes– obviously, because it’s not a good feeling to admit to oneself that one has.

But I tend to find that for my part, I’d much rather be told about a mistake than to continue making it. Yes, it hurts to be told, and I don’t like facing my own mistakes any better than the next person. It does hurt, and I hate it. But if I do something wrong, I would much rather know about it, because I want to at least try to correct it. Ultimately, I feel that I am hurt far worse by being allowed to continue making the same mistake than by having someone point it out, feel unhappiness and guilt for a bit, and then fix it and no longer be making that mistake.

If I had a dollar for every bad thing I’ve done, I would be living in a much nicer place and probably retiring early. If I had a dollar for every bad habit and perennial mistake that I’ve corrected in my life, I would at least not have trouble scraping together rent. I have something better than a dollar for those things, however; correcting bad habits and trying to work on my flaws is priceless, and I can’t do those things if I’m not aware of them. I’ve done terrible things (like everyone– I’m not putting myself down, here; I’m just being honest.) I don’t want to be those things. I want to be what I am now; I want to be my future, and the better person that I’m going to be.

It seems that a lot of people would rather refuse to face their mistakes, refuse to admit they’d made one, than correct them. I understand this; really I do. When I was young and immature, I did it a lot, because I wanted to be perfect, and if I’d made mistakes I would be less than perfect, and so I wanted to pretend I’d never made any. But I’d like to think I’m more mature than that now. I know that people don’t have to be their pasts. And furthermore, if I go denying that I made a mistake, I’m the only one who thinks I didn’t make that mistake; everyone else still thinks that I did– and that furthermore I’m still making it– and also I look even more foolish for trying to pretend that I didn’t. No, it’s far better that I face the thing, even if it’s painful, and get rid of it. I might have to get really dirty to clean my bathroom, but it will never be a clean place to live if I don’t suck it up and do it.

I can’t say that I’m perfect at this, and I’m sure sometimes I protest that I didn’t make a mistake when I did– because I don’t see yet why I’m mistaken. I don’t want to protest, however. In fact, I suppose I could say that refusing to face my own mistakes is exactly one of those mistakes that I want to stop making. I know I have gotten far better at it than I used to be; whether I’m good at it or not is not for me to say, since the thing about deceiving oneself is that one can’t easily assess whether one is doing it. In the end, however, I do think that if someone shows me that I made a mistake, I will at least consider that it’s possible that I did, whether or not I immediately react with understanding. And at least I no longer protest out of sheer crippling embarrassment, because of wanting to not have done it in the first place. What’s done is done; at least I can face it gracefully.

I value reality quite a lot. I value not being fake, and not pretending to be things that I’m not. I value saying genuine things and only when I really mean them, and I value communicating only what is true. The last thing I want is to deceive myself just to make myself look better to myself– not only is it childish and against my value of sincerity, but I’m sure that if I am really fooling myself, I will not be satisfied; deep down I will know the truth, and I will only ever be defensive and uncomfortable about that. Of course, if I honestly don’t know I’m making a mistake then that’s different from deceiving myself and I really might not be dissatisfied, but that does not mean that I prefer ignorance. I don’t. I prefer being a better person, and that means not just better in the ways that I perceive myself, for my own self-gratification, but better to others as well. I wouldn’t be a very good person if I were only concerned about making myself think I was a good person.

There seem to be some people out there who really only care about whether they can convince themselves that they are good. They think– insofar as one can say they think about it; these things aren’t necessarily conscious; deceiving oneself is more of a subconscious thing– that if they pretend they are right, then they are. It seems like conscious thought would fairly obviously reveal that it isn’t so, but they don’t let it get to the level of conscious thought. They just go right on convincing themselves that they are doing fine and therefore don’t need to question themselves. And because of that, they don’t correct their mistakes; indeed, if someone points out a mistake, they dig in their heels and find a way to justify what they did so that they can convince themselves (and others if possible) that they actually didn’t make a mistake. But these people are missing out on what happens if you do admit you made a mistake: they don’t get to correct the mistake and actually be better. They would rather live in dissonance and illusion; as long as nothing shatters that illusion they just keep it up and refuse to look at what they’re doing. And they patch any holes in it with more illusion. And I want never to be that way, not when I can help it at all. I’m sure that I’m not perfect about it, and I know for a fact that I acted like that sometimes when I was young, but I hope that it is mostly a trait of my immaturity that has passed and is behind me now. I hope that I am now a better person who doesn’t do that anymore.

I don’t like to judge others on what they’ve done in the past, and I wouldn’t want anyone to judge me on what I’ve done in the past. I don’t know which of these statements caused the other, if either did; perhaps they even developed independently. But I know that I would not like to be forever what I was in the past, as if I couldn’t ever shed my mistakes and begin anew; and I wouldn’t want to force anyone else to be chained forever to their past mistakes, either. I want to be able to say that I am a good person even if I wasn’t before. I would always like to be able to say that I am a better person today than I was yesterday. I think most people would like the opportunity to say that of themselves– but if they are too stuck on insisting that they were never a worse person to begin with, they can’t say it.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

I’m usually not one to suggest that people follow proverbs, but I think this one is sensible advice: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Because if the basket falls, everything will be broken. People’s hearts are the same way.

Most people don’t want to feel as though they are solely responsible for someone else’s happiness, as though they are the only thing supporting that person emotionally. Because that’s such a lot of pressure, so much to live up to; it’s much more comfortable to think, well, this person cares about me, and yes they’d be sad if something were to happen to me, but they would have someone else as well to pull them through, and wouldn’t be left all alone in the world. They have a support network, something else to make their life worthwhile without me.

There’s a somewhat lighter (if still bothersome) case of this, though, a very common one: someone confesses feelings for you that you don’t return. Suddenly you’re responsible for making them happy. Their emotions are so strong, and they’re breathlessly waiting, and the world seems to hang on your response to them. You know that if you say no, you’re going to make them miserable. Are you going to say yes just to placate them, even if you don’t want to? Or are you going to say no and make them miserable? It’s awfully tempting to say yes, and worry about how you’re going to get out of the pickle later. The problem is, saying yes is worse, because then they trust you and place their hopes in you, and to let them down later hurts them even worse. It’s an uncomfortable situation, because you’re simultaneously presented with this huge responsibility for how the other person is going to feel, and also with the knowledge that the truth is going to disappoint them, that the outcome you need to deliver to them is the worst-case scenario. Sometimes you feel obligated and guilty because you know that your response will be a disappointment, even though it’s not your fault for not happening to love the other.

It’s not that the party who has feelings can help it, mind; love is an emotion that burns to be expressed, that is painful when held in, because its nature is to overflow. But it’s not the other party’s fault for not having feelings, either, and they too are in an awkward and often upsetting situation.

A lot of people panic and handle this badly. There are about a thousand ways to handle it badly, and many people try what turn out to be bad ideas in a desperate attempt to figure out what one should do. The problem is, there’s no way to make the situation all right. No matter what one does, they will hurt someone, and choosing how to handle it can be a painful and confusing dilemma. No one wants to be in this situation– they feel guilty enough, and on top of that, the way our society’s view of unrequited love works, the story is “supposed to” end with both parties finding true love. Society wants to make the person who doesn’t return feelings into the villain, forgetting that it’s an unpleasant and sometimes painful situation for them too.

But the other end can be handled badly, too– someone with unrequited love is placing the other in that painful situation, sometimes over and over again. No one should ever be blamed for approaching someone and telling them of their feelings– by contrast, they should be praised! as it takes such courage to do. But then, if it doesn’t work… don’t keep putting that person in the pain of having to decide over and over whether to hurt you, how to handle it, what to say. I’ve done it to others and I’ve had it done to me. I know it well. It’s bad. I should never have done it to someone and I hope that people do not do it to others either. If you really love them, you want what’s in their best interests, you don’t want to put them through that pain again and again.

Moreover, you shouldn’t be putting all your eggs in their basket anyway; it keeps you from moving on. Look around you for someone or something else to love. Loving itself brings happiness; it is expectations that bring sadness. Perhaps it is time to let the past alone. You might have been severely disappointed in love; you might have even lost a dear friend; but you have more than one basket to fill with your love. You may have baskets labelled “close friends”, “family”, “pets”, even “my hobby” or “appreciation of the pretty sky.” Of course losing someone important will make you sad for a little while, but you have a life to live, and an infinite world around you to love. And if you’re wise, you’ve built up a support network, and your heart depends on more than one person. This is the time to remember how much they care about you and how wonderful it is to have them, how, even if you have lost a very dear person in your life, you have others. Your idea of your own self-worth should not depend entirely on one person; you should not be as fragile as that. Everyone is deeply worthy of being loved and cared about, and everyone needs love and care, and the wise take care to make sure that there is always more than one person in their life providing that.

Deciding to have a bad day

Today was supposed to be a terrible day, I knew ahead of time. I was up far too early to feel well-rested, I’ve spent the whole day in airports, and I have many miles to go before I sleep. When I do arrive at my destination, I’m going to have to put up with a lot of hassle before I can get my stuff home, including swinging by to pick up two cats who will detest the car ride and soil their carriers, and the subsequent cat-bathing that must ensue, probably at 2 AM by that point. I won’t see friends for another month. And this signifies the end of my vacation and the end of my favourite season of the year.

But even though circumstances point to the idea that today is a Very Bad Day, I refuse to accept that conclusion. If I let myself decide ahead of time that I’m going to be miserable today, then I will be. In fact, I will be extra miserable, because on top of all the above misfortune, I will be unhappy about having such a bad day. I can’t avoid the unfortunate circumstances, but I can avoid being unhappy because of a bad day.

To have a bad day, I have to decide that I’m having one. Only I can decide whether my day is going to be awful or not. If I decide that I am going to have a bad day, then I will; but if I decide that I am having a good day, then it will be so.

How can I possibly have a good day when it’s going to be like I described? Because I only described half of it. What I didn’t describe was that I’m going to get home and sleep in my own familiar bed, that I’m going to have access to all of my stuff again, that I’m going to see my cats. I didn’t describe that I travelled vast distances and saw all kinds of people, or that I got to look out the plane window at all the tiny houses below and play the game of imagining what they must look like from the ground. I didn’t describe that I spent the whole day with very little obligation– the only thing I have to do for most of today is make sure I get on both of the planes that I am supposed to get on. It’s not work; my mind is free to wander; I can read or write or listen to music or play video games. All of that stress is unnecessary, since there’s very little that I actually have to do. And I didn’t even begin to describe how good it is to be alive– to be able to see and hear and think and perceive, to be able to wonder about things and search for answers, to stretch my legs after sitting for a while, to breathe air in and out, to listen to my own heartbeat, to drink this unexpectedly delicious strawberry-peach smoothie that I got at the airport. To feel, to think, to know, to be. Even though my back hurts from sitting uncomfortably, that is only one small sensation among a world of wonderful ones. If I weren’t here, if I didn’t exist, if I weren’t so beautifully alive, I wouldn’t be able to experience any of the wonder around me today. How can I call this a bad day? It’s full of the most amazing things. I am lucky to be able to have this experience of living.

All I did here was recognise that there were a lot of good things that I wasn’t paying attention to. I had been only paying attention to the bad things– but of course that’s going to make me unhappy. I try to catch myself when I’m doing that, and pay attention to the good things instead.

Spreading happiness

Hello world!

I hope for this blog to become an expression of positive ideas. I’m a recovering pessimist and cynic; I used to think negative thoughts all the time and was terribly depressed as a result. But I didn’t want to be unhappy, and I was determined to change that. I am feeling much better nowadays, and I find myself thinking: if I’d known a few years ago what I know now, I would have had a much better couple of years.

I want to do what I can to spread positive thoughts and ideas to others, so that they can be happier too. I know that sounds fluffy and Hallmark, but I do think that I have learned some things about how to become more positive. Last year I was desperate to find out how to become more positive, because I was so afraid of sinking back into the worse stages of depression– but I didn’t know how. I thought: of course I don’t try to have negative thoughts; no one wants to be unhappy; but I wasn’t sure how to prevent myself from seeing what I was seeing. I think I understand much better now, although I still have a long way to go; being positive is an ongoing matter, not an achievement that has been completed, and I am always looking for ways to refine it and make it better.

Thus, this journal is for me and for you. For me, as a way of seeking even more ways to be optimistic and pursuing the habit of noticing and writing down happier things. For you, so that I can share with you what I’ve learned about trying to view the world with a positive slant rather than a negative one. I want to help those who would like to become happier, but don’t know how to go about doing it, by suggesting some of the things that helped me– things I wish I had realised in the first place.